on a darkling plain.

i am the child of the wasteland....a land of haunted houses and monsters i call father. dark talents run in the family, but i shatter the glass to let the moonlight in, not to destroy something fragile for the feeling of breaking beneath my fists. all i can do is scream, crawl out, and keep screaming. but i can hold the sparrow, mend its wing... i am the spring rain and the hurricane... the monsters cower now, not me, not you. *xn*

What i hate... no not a list of what ice cream i don't like. its really just general semi-all over the place style rambling compared to what i'd really like to say, but its not that kind of intense night- well now morning.. the sky is turning blue again..

my neighbors when i was younger had a treehouse. a symbol to me of caring and love for their children- a thing done beyond food and regular shelter that took work. but it had been there years before so they were credited for the work of love for a long time when they had nothing to do with it,, but it went a long way to support their "story", just by being there. mute- radiating love in its inanimate way. they had the family set up with a mom and dad and sisters and a brother. they seemed happy and i believed them. i hate that you grow to see how wrong you were- how you, well, I, wish that those glowing windows across the street really had represented the hope of safety somewhere in the wretched childhood world. the perfect act they put on.. i look back and i see that the daughter my age always stole my toys and then set them up in her room and blindly refused to accept that she was a theif even though my name was on them and toys for us were not an everyday occurence. i should have known this bizarre behaviour was trying to tell me something but i was too scared to see what she was going through, i was too busy ducking the demons too.

she was later beaten so badly by her brother (they say) that she almost died and they told us she had been burned by a frying pan spatula. so what kind of frying pan tool burn left you in the hospital so badly battered you lost weight and became emaciated and stayed that way for many years. i hate that i believed the story, all the while knowing something was wrong. i hate that i was so willing to believe the lie and then wonder why no one believed what was happening to us across the street. it, and other scenes too much to ignore, did insure i never was led like that as an adult, but thats a "silver lining" i could have lived without. all those harmed people make me feel like the scene in gone with the wind where scarlet keeps stepping over body after body of moaning people. i think i would have learned the lesson just fine with fewer events..

i don't like some of my relatives and i hate others. ah the blood ties. the lying the stories the blatant throwing up of subterfuge to cover the real events of one in particular. the "assumed stance" that because i am related i have to go along- the blindness of the family units that didn't do much "then" that now expect some kind of back-up because of blood- just because the MOST ridiculous of the accusations is false, they will discount all else, because it came from a damaged child- the offspring of the family member and some outsider- all that watered down blood. Adults get to lie all their lives and ask for forgiveness and expect much of the time to get it but when a young person has been wronged and destroyed and in defense has made up a hugely fanciful lie to explain damage they can't explain or even put words to- then they are branded the rest of their lives. The adult betrayer going free pointing at only the most ridiculous things said and clinging to them as absolute proof of innocence when hoping no one will say and wonder- what actually DID happen, someTHING happened. The one i am thinking of and the ones who know will understand this batch of words- and that taint will be there forever (no matter what you do and you can scream innocent all you like, gather others around you to scream innocent- i do not believe you- and that you keep trying to say you were wronged- makes me hate you.) Because you know all the tricks and all the things criminals do to get off- it was your business afterall wasn't it- to know all of this- and now you claim such an innocent simplicity that a child is now the evil genius tearing you apart? and you would let the world tear her apart to save yourself? but it didn't work did it? i hate that there are those who believe you but love that there are others who NEVER will, and will never let you forget it..

i hate talk shows that bash the "rebel" teens and say they are scum and trash and are wrong for being who they are- talking back and yelling at their moms- and then you see the mom.

tell me when did some of those mothers do anything that deserved any respect? you know the ones i mean- the kind that comes on there- on the ol telly, and thinks just for the sole fact they pumped out a child that the child has to respect them, love them, do as they are told. What about some decency and respect for the child? It never occurs to these female things that by insulting and slapping and yelling and shaming these teens all the time they are setting themselves up to be treated like this too because they have never given the child any other example of treatment to follow- so now.. they are surprised? where are all of these caring manners supposed to come from? why do they wonder that all the child wants to do is get out of there? the parents stuff their faces full of junk food and pop pills and lay around in front of the TV all day and they expect to be treated... how? but no its the fashion sometimes to bash the child crying some kind of holy "motherhood". no i haven't seen any of these shows recently but they stay with me and i remember them everytime i see a mom on the street telling the child with an upraised hand in public and a bitter tone "you better show some respect!" i will never feel pity for this kind of person, only for the child trying to figure out what the hell life is with that kind of example to follow and hope that they do get out and find a better place.

i will always quietly hate the friend i had who had a father buy her things like a car and a house and an absentee mom who bemoaned to me (yes to me personally on the phone..!) that she wanted to pay for college for her but the daughter didn't want to go... and daddy got her the same job i had to go through tests to get back then- and she just walked in and i was to train her.. you know i would not have cared about the car and house- i'd get those later, on my own, i know- but college help would be nice. i would have made them proud.. :) yeah that sucks when its not your parents, or anyone "required" to care- and its something they could deliver with ease, but its not going to go to anyone who would have used it well, like me.. :).. - and i truly liked this girl, she actually did work hard, then, to try to be a better person, not some rich girl. of course if they were my parents i would have taken the money and run eventually too.. probably... ( i would have done different things with it tho).. but still i can hate it that the whole "family" thing does not work when you/them/they run into other worthy children- its only the ones they are required to pay for that some will even consider bothering with.. so deal right? yeah i have. can still say i hate it in its weird kinda funny way- yeah college help would be great.. so thats a kind of useless hate thing but its still floats around with the word hate and demands its time to be thought about when "hateful" things come up.. ah selfish little thought-bitch..

i hate the nature of the beast, what beast- take your pick. i am tired now and all i think i can do is say- look around at the world and tell me what it chooses to elevate, and what it tortures and holds back- not even in the big wide world stage, look around in your own life and people you know and tell me if all you see is fair and just. granted some people think WAY too highly of themselves and their perceived influence on the planet (if any at all beyond their small circle) so thats at least a beastly sense of humor and justice, because they are neither elevated or bashed down- just held up for a smile at their expense.. but most of the time its just sad. But there are some on the wide world stage that have been elevated and i wonder at the nature of many things- what does "It" really want this planet of people to do? sometimes thats scary to actually deeply consider- what is the fate of man- and yes we ARE man- not some history from the past, not some sci-fi tale- its us and no one is going to come close the book and put us to bed after the story is through- we are the story and if we fuck it up then it IS fucked, and we are doomed- so look around and tell me what is the nature of mankind.. its too much to do right now and thats part of the survival, the delusion that if we say this.. here or in a song or on a website we've done our duty now its .. what? up to who? i hate that i don't have the answers or the right thing to say at the moment and like i said this is not an attempt of anything for me other than i was up before the Sun and my thoughts were wandering- i don't pretend to know the answers or follow an outdated smoky philosophy that sounds cool but is useless because its just rants.

most ranters and ravers i am aware of are pretty much only good for that. and they are never going to get beyond the tiny pool of fish they entertain and if anyone does catch a glimpse of them, their ridiculous gimmicks and ravings will do more damage to their words- even if their words somehow carried a shred of hope or reasoning, so they self destruct and fade away.

its the ramblers, the thinkers, the story writers, the ones with reason and true beliefs- the ones who overcome actual obstacles, that make me wonder in awe, the creative people who get where they are through truth and work not games and lies and "PR deals" then try to cover for it later with vague answers and always the gimmicks. that/those/they are the offshoots of the breeding muck that spawned things like the further above mentioned pathetic types. that kind is good for fun at least. i hate laughing at them- it seems so mean. darn. bad me bad bad me. ( :) )

i promised i would be all domestic again this morning and make breakfast- and now my temptation is to wake rick up NOW and feed him.. but thats not the point is it? ohh.... yeah i know so now somewhere about mid-day when he wants to do something nice i'll be falling asleep. like i haven't had that happen before- or for that matter like its never happened to him before.. i can bring up the whole glass houses and stones and throwing and all of that stuff.

i don't update every day anymore and i hate that but its been that way but the reason is one of the good things i don't hate- that persistence of a thing i can't fully get rid of, and i have no idea what it is other than its still here, and while its still here, i'm still here, and that means work of a different kind, but i really love my dl-house. and this site and the people wandering inside.

i got the hoffman netter thing too and considered it since i actually would have no problem with "capturing the essence" of my blog/diary on video. and i could get ahold of all the things i needed to do it but why do it if i can't show the things i want? read the agreement they want you to sign and then tell me if thats worth it- if those words can be twisted into something strange and finding yourself used for things you don't want to be used in.. (and loss of all the things they list and what those things connect to that they claim ownership of- and the url and name they'll claim for anything they want to use it for, and its all now and forever- hey if a band can be forever screwed -not mine but..- by signing a napkin, then you printing and signing an agreement like that, well... you had your eyes wide open..) just because you might have been on some show? even if they don't make the show- all that stuff you signed over is still theirs... now and forvever.. sorry, there are better things to sign those kinds of rights over for, but if anyone here is doing it- first i hope you read the contract and second, hope its all you wanted it to be :)

long and un-re-read so i have no idea what this is going to look like but i'll probably come back to clean-up- (i have kinda cleaned up now but still its a damned ramblie ramble..) until then my fingers hurt and i have to figure out how to stay awake today because i hate missing nice things just to go to sleep....

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