on a darkling plain.

i am the child of the wasteland....a land of haunted houses and monsters i call father. dark talents run in the family, but i shatter the glass to let the moonlight in, not to destroy something fragile for the feeling of breaking beneath my fists. all i can do is scream, crawl out, and keep screaming. but i can hold the sparrow, mend its wing... i am the spring rain and the hurricane... the monsters cower now, not me, not you. *xn*

about 12 years ago, and this is just an estimate since i can only guess.. it might have been a little longer... i had a dream that was more like a vision. it was a dream that had a vivid feel to it, something REAL that transcended an amazingly clear wild dream- this crossed over into scary and further into for real. is there another word for "real?". even my father- yes my father, told me he thought it was a vision. i guess i told him about it just to get the negative insulting word about how a dream is a dream and its stupid of me to think anything else but even he thought it was different. it was strange because it was like a science fiction horror scene come to life. no blood just fear and near suffocation. i always remembered it of course but i also thought i knew what it was "for". i believe it had been a warning against something very bad i was thinking about doing- in fact i believe it was a direct warning because when i linked the two in my mind there was a kind of peace- a closure about it, so it didn't haunt me anymore it just creeped me out.

i have had a lot of wild creepy scary dreams and many times i have enjoyed them- even though they were scary, i like a fun creative scare. so the dreams have come and gone and have been fun and rotten and creepy and thoughtful and surreal and all those things- but nothing like that "vision" i had over a decade ago. now you see it coming don't you?

please accept my apologies for anyone who has this kind of event in their lives or family, i mean no disrespect - i am deadly serious. don't read any further if anyone in your family has died of a gunshot- or if you were shot and are traumatised by it.

i had another vision-like dream, hard to explain how they differ in words- but if you have had "one" you know what i mean. these are truly different, real and beyond real at the same time. but this one has not resolved it does not link to anything other than- i think i know how i am going to die.

the dream went with rick and i walking along a concrete overlook of an ocean. he took a call on his cell phone and seemed upset that this person was calling him and seemed to try to conceal that he was outside. he went through some crazy contortions trying to hide the background noise and he motioned for us to take a set of metal spiral stairs that had appeared in an opening. these led downward to some kind of cafe- the outer area of a cafe where people were sitting in an indoor mall - but felt like "outside" with potted palms and some kind of decorative fountain hissing and trickling in the background, reddish glazed brick flooring.

(like this but leaving the ocean view to go into the mall/cafe area).

he got to the bottom of the stairs and sat at a table- one of those white metal mesh cafe tables and chair sets you see everywhere. people were sitting with strangers because it was crowded so he was at a table, right at the bottom and almost in the way of the stairs- with a man sitting alone staring ahead and someone i couldn't see over to the right except for their legs (light colored pants and a newspaper opened and covering their face.) I was still standing on the last of the metal stairs. the man i could see was wearing a blackish ski mask hat but pulled down with his face fully exposed. i remembered seeing him earlier (in my dream because i had) but the mask was covering his face- and i thought how stupid of someone to dress that way after all the things that had gone on in the world like Columbine and 9/11- but i also felt people were ignoring him to make a huge effort to appear NOT to be prejudiced against someone for their appearance.

so there he was but face exposed- it put me at a slight ease. rick spoke into his phone practically doubled over. all of the above to its conclusion only took a few minutes it seemed. it happened very quickly but at the same time the images echoed over and over so it seemed slower in memory- like my weird car accident event but not as slow motion.

rick sat up breifly and spoke louder into the phone for a moment and said something- a weird thing for him to say that i will not write here because then people who see in the simplest of terms will think thats the reason for all of it- but i think anything said could have set off a psycho- and what happened was rick's utterence was humourous and ridiculous, coming from him, and also would have been silly sounding to any stranger who did not know him- it was religious in nature, and i laughed somewhat out loud at it. maybe the person behind the paper did too because the unmasked man suddenly pulled out a gun and without any forwarning shot the person, two shots, and i stared for a moment, unbelieving of what i just saw but also frozen because- what do you do at this moment- that micro-second after someone just violently killed someone in front of you. then man turned and i saw his face, clearly- he turned his gun at me and shot- three times.

the first one narrowly missed me but the next two hit me in the head. i wonder if it would have seemed from the outside, to others, that it all happened quickly- that i was hit and fell and died. but to me, in my thoughts- my thoughts there in the dream, i saw things happen gradually, a kind of normal pace but i didn't feel too distinctly and clearly....

you know when your leg falls partly asleep and gets numb but you can poke your leg and still feel a kind of distant sensation- thats what it felt like- a distinct but distant sensation of two big hard hits to my head. then i felt like my head was suddenly murky and muddily full of huge hard heay wet rocks and i tasted blood in my throat. i knew i had been hit and could not believe it and felt that sensation in my head as it was heavier and heavier and harder and harder like it was pushing my face downward. i grimaced to fight the sensation. i had an overwhelming urge to lie down but it happened more like a gradual fall to my back, my legs bending under me. i was lying on the metal steps still able to think that it was good i remembered the face of the shooter but why- what good would it do because i knew then i would be dead before anyone could talk to me. i thought of my blood and that it would run through the grates in the stairs. i also thought of rick and how he would be sad for me, and i thought other things and then decided to stop grimacing, to straigten my expression out on my face- and actually attemped and felt i succeeded in making my expression look normal- and then to try to say "I love you Rick". all of this- happening all at once- but still kind of one at a time. my head so hard and heavy and the taste of blood in the back of my throat like when i had bloody noses as a child, i saw upward the ceiling and lights and wondered if i should close my eyes...

then i woke up. i thought that i must have woken up right as i died in my dream. i have thought about this a lot and all i can come up with is it was a foretelling of something, me my death probably. i was thankful in having gone through it so realistically and in such a frightening way to know that it was not a scary way in the end. The nerves would have been largely disabled because of brain damage and the pain would probably be that weird murky numb sensation- somehow i had a moment for thoughts to go through my mind to feel that i was "prepared" and knew i would not live and could say good bye in a way even if it never made it out of my mouth audibly. i'm not scared or creeped out by thinking i know. well it is creepy thinking that this came after seeing my daughter and how you would think all my thoughts should be better and on a positive side.. why would such a vision come to me now? all i can say is i am not changing anything i do or think or feel. if its going to happen its going to happen and there is a kind of macho-ish feeling to say it out loud, to write it- like if it does occur, i already "busted it" i didn't keep it secret and scary and lurking inside but just threw it out there to possibly be ridiculed, laughed at, pointed at- told out loud so when it comes it will be "so what! she already knew, didn't care, didn't change anything in her life, and told it to everybody so go and try to act like you and your fortelling threats did anything- so what we all die- and you ruined your big death scene, we all laughed at that dream a long time ago"

so what if it comes true.. eventually some death scene for me will come true. humanity seems to hold some ways as better scenes than others- one would be of them living to be so ancient they can't even breathe anymore and just fall asleep. eventually we cross over and whatever it is, it will probably be good- at least it will be a new adventure. until then, this one goes on.

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