i am the child of the wasteland....a land of haunted houses and monsters i call father. dark talents run in the family, but i shatter the glass to let the moonlight in, not to destroy something fragile for the feeling of breaking beneath my fists. all i can do is scream, crawl out, and keep screaming. but i can hold the sparrow, mend its wing... i am the spring rain and the hurricane... the monsters cower now, not me, not you. *xn*

Saturday, Mar. 15, 2003 - 3:00 pm

warning, seriously, skip this entry if you are in a sad/depressed state of mind.

i don't know how to react to some things, obviously. this one has left me in horror.

if i ignore it and click away will i be like the people that walked by?

i am reading paul's book and he is writing wonderfully about a very sad thing, a very sad state of the world in a land of amazing beauty. filled with corrupt politicians, some he knew as young people when he lived in uganda before the monstrosity of idi amin (it sounded like a kind of heaven there in the 60's) who go on and on about details on paper, rules of governing- while people suffer- plans are made to help and are abused. aid workers shaken and giving up or blinded by a single task that does very little good, crawling up a sandy slope giving way giving way all the time and no progress.

so what i wonder, would i be able to do to help in a failing world- me who can't walk around the block on a beautiful sunny day, stupid me this person with "art talent" and i can't even get my children's book published, talk about the sandy hill- try the slush pile, (this is not a poor baby thing about me- its just a lament of how ineffectual my own efforts have been on my small scale, what the hell use am i in the world)

here i am in nyc, what the hell can i do. i think the best thing to do is to "know" its to be aware that things are happening, to know won't save anyone, won't help them, but for someone stupid like me, all i can do is know something, and somehow they aren't/weren't alone. its the least a people in a safe-ish world can do for those not.

when 9/11 occurred our friend and the drummer of our band was there below leading children out of the way of what he thought was falling paper and debris. when the reality, the horror became clear, he told me he looked up and watched. he is a young guy, loves women, joking around, a charming charmer, loves where he came from in puerto rico, okay frankly i always thought he was talented and cute and funny- but the depth of his thoughts i thought currently revolved around music and the beautiful women he worked with during the day.

He told me he watched the people falling because, he didn't want them to be alone. somehow watching them, he said they didn't die alone, he said he wanted to somehow comfort them. to just be there and not look away was all he could do for them. i was stunned and understood. he almost died down there himself when the buildings fell.

when a thing has happened and nothing we small humans can do will stop it sometimes all we can do is witness it, so they aren't alone. i don't know if i am expressing this well. the sun is out, smiling people are riding bikes by on the street, the pets are cute and furry.. what can i do from here about something that has already happened, and will keep happening, and that if the world cannot stop it, what can i do? i can witness it, mourn for it, post it here so in case anyone out there who has some power, or will one day grow up to be able to make a difference on a world's level, might remember. might do something. plus i hope that somehow, an angel, even though its too late, will somehow not be alone.

do not look below, its all i can do is warn you, and i am serious, this is not a joke. if you go on to click the pitcure below, do not write me that you are having nightmares now. its okay to not look, to move on and feel sorrow for those who suffer and say to yourself, if my life is good i will never gloat about it, take it for granted, hate other people with less than myself because there but for the grace of whatever is god go i. its okay to not look if you can be a good kind person to all you know and thats what its about. kindness in your sphere, justice when you can be a part of it, be a good person. its all we humans need. maybe the warlords will one day learn it too. as for an injustice i can do nothing about all i can do is feel sorrow, witness it and do my version of a prayer for a better world.

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