on a darkling plain.

i am the child of the wasteland....a land of haunted houses and monsters i call father. dark talents run in the family, but i shatter the glass to let the moonlight in, not to destroy something fragile for the feeling of breaking beneath my fists. all i can do is scream, crawl out, and keep screaming. but i can hold the sparrow, mend its wing... i am the spring rain and the hurricane... the monsters cower now, not me, not you. *xn*

Thursday, Mar. 06, 2003 - 1:49 am

interesting that the reaction to my entry about the sucky review prompted what i was wishing i had gotten or at least see hints of in "review", some great comments, things that made me think, suggestions i could use- things to think about when even doing this online journal. thank you. i never kept a diary as a kid, the entries all would look the same and i'd give it up. same thing over and over again, i just wanted to get out of childhood and that place- what else was there to say. once i made the mistake of confiding to my mom when i was a kid i was going to be a singer- then, to my horror- added to the usual round of insults was "oh look its miss rock-star" (said with a nasty sarcastic tone of course). anyway i never wanted to be a "rockstar"- what pictures just popped into your head with that word? yeah, RoCkStAr ? no thanks.

my reaction to abuse was to close-up, shut down. i was always a poor student on paper... let alone being able to put "thoughts and feelings" on paper. i did try sometimes to participate- a good teacher can bring that out in a kid- but the first one was second grade- the next was my senior year in high school, so in between i had a series of people who must have thought i was being hugely complimented elsewhere that they thought it was okay to call me stupid, ugly, or "if you don't know this answer you don't know anything" (an actual quote from an algebra teacher while i was standing at a blackboard, totally blank- may as well have been gibberish written up there). that same male teacher doted on a cute blonde student (and its not her fault, she did not encourage him, she really was a nice person), she was of the kind of knock-out that didn't have a clue she was the sort that men dropped after she walked by and smiled. she also never had a clue about much else, this from speaking to her in general (again not meant to sound bad- some attractive stupid people are very sweet, nice, kindly, but.... stupid) he'd sit on her desk and go on and on about canoeing, once even climbing on his desk to show how he rowed, pumping his arms back and forth. what an idiot. i know what and where she is now, she's sadly not much- not that i am anything special, but as far as what i have done, i have scored "more points", and i was the one who knew nothing to him.

art and writing gave me hope- thats probably what gave any teacher or principal hope for me too since they always passed me along. or could be they just didn't care. then you look back and of course realize they, the teachers, were just humans- ever see "The Wall"? remember the scene of the prof being humiliated at home by his porcine wife and then taking it out on the kids? the animation of him being a puppet beaten by some monstrous women and in his auto-moving strung-up hands he is in turn beating the child?

yeah, so who knows what those people were going through when they got home.

that i am finding myself able to write in an online forum is amazing to me, or maybe it just coincided with a point in my life that i am able to. it seems arrogant to think that i have anything to say, but if i find i can connect in this way, i will take it. someday a child of mine might read this and it may help them- i don't know how- but i do know it would have "helped" me to know more about my mom. it wouldn't have mattered what she wrote- just that she wrote it, had thoughts about things, ANY-thing. she's still a stranger to me and i have "known" her all my life.

i know i sound harsh about her sometimes but its only because you can only put down one sentence after another. you can't say a harsh but true thing and have another sentence speak at the same time saying something nicer- well i guess you probably can program something like this in compu-land. but i thank her all the time for the physical act of getting us out of there- eventually. for me better late than never worked out okay. i went from poor "academic" student who actually got d's and f's and thought c's were good, to- in the last two years of high school -even though it was in two different high schools, becoming a national merit scholar. i guess i did know something after all.

i am not going to question it very much, the online journal world. parts of it like those stupid pills are funny- they are so cute and bizarre- so there they are collected on a linked page here. to wonder about things and concepts is fun too- so there it is on another linked page. just because i can't totally explain the "why" behind this online journal thing doesn't mean i shouldn't do it. then there is the "meeting" people who i would never run into in any part of my life and will probably never meet in person- but that you can connect to them in some "ethereal" way- thats pretty amazing.

Some things that might be of interest