i am the child of the wasteland....a land of haunted houses and monsters i call father. dark talents run in the family, but i shatter the glass to let the moonlight in, not to destroy something fragile for the feeling of breaking beneath my fists. all i can do is scream, crawl out, and keep screaming. but i can hold the sparrow, mend its wing... i am the spring rain and the hurricane... the monsters cower now, not me, not you. *xn*

Thursday, Apr. 10, 2003 - 5:10 am

so now i'm back and still in a kind of shock. its surreal to see all your dreams coming true for someone else. the happiness is off the chart in me and leaves me numb most of the time, and the shock leaves me kind of clear sighted in a strange hazy way. if i try to "feel".. REALLY FEEL the emotion i start to break down and i know i'd just keep falling falling so i forcibly stop it. i think i have used up all my "amazing unbelieveable things will happen for you in life" points because when i nailed this down i nailed it down tight. its perfect ...in every way, everything i ever wanted- no kidding, right down to the apples, the hills, the particular ups and downs- me, if i had had a chance. it was my dream - only now to be continually formed by the amazing person who owns it now. i literally wished for, as a child at night, the scenes i saw, the place, the clouds the stars.. i came back here to nyc with pine cones that smelled like the needles they laid on and the air that ran through their spikes, from the trees in the yard.

i still feel lost and adrift, sounds corny but its true. its not some hysterical grasping for a line -its more like a stoic look at the shore drifting away while there is happiness going on. i see it and i might one day make it back to shore again but even if i arrive its not mine, i could only watch and smile and wonder when i'm going to be dragged out to sea again.

now as she grows she may not think it is her dream come true, maybe as she grows she dreams of other places and maybe wished some things had been different ...but maybe not, i didn't get that feeling- in fact i think she knows what she has and how lovely it is even though she is not the bragging kind. but it was the best i could do to put flesh and reality to the things i had wanted, the things i loved and cried secretly about or that tried to hold me up when the nightmares were in the waking and the sleeping world. and in that respect, i cannot believe, because i have not accomplished this in my life for me, but i cannot believe how perfectly i chose, how perfectly its coming out- how it fits the description of what i wanted so badly as a child, so thats what i sought for my daughter.

yes i met my daughter, for the first time since i gave her up as an infant.

"gave her up" is not the right term. i had to, to protect her from the violent people still in my life who might try to get her and do to her what was done to me (i wasn't THAT broken that i couldn't see what i was then)- or mediocre people who might try to dull her and ruin her and make her into a drone like themselves, or the "kind" and simple but decetiful types like the person who did this to me on purpose to try to make me marry him. i spared her from having to suffer what i did after she was gone- how terrible it would have been- how much it tore me apart, how it would have helped me to have her with me but it would not have helped her.. its ruined me in many ways to have done it, but i do not regret it, but thats me- as far as she goes- she is safe, was safe and is getting a chance, without living a nightmare.

i see her and of course i wonder, how i... would have turned out if i had been taken away as an infant- but who knows who i would have gone too. i was lucky to know a cousin, who had a marriage, a couple who have raised kind intelligent decent children into good people- the ones i wished i could have run away to- i was lucky to see what that kind of real happiness looked like, what it sounded like- and when i saw that profile from the adoption agency i knew i had found them -- and i did, i saw it when i arrived and visited, i know- believe me i would have known if anything was being hidden from me- i know ALL the signs and the fake niceness and the bullshit. this is real.

she is amazing and intelligent and deep and intense- a girl-girl in many ways but with things in her head that make me know she has a connection to the currents about life's river that are what make the difference between a person who is happy because "ignorance is bliss" and the kind with a strong belief and confidence that they WILL make their dreams come true and that the world is an oncoming adventure that will have ups and downs and not always goodness and light but will ultimately be a good adventure- a thing worth having followed along to its conclusion.........many many many years from now.

i have pictures, but i am too selfish to share them at the moment :) also.. no- i have not told everybody in my life about this- yes my partner knows of course.. but others that are "close" to me do not know because the whole story being told would result in re-living the whole thing/events over again- and the rippling effect of the people that would be informed from that point is more than i can bare knowing is going on- if they find out here- great fine- and i can only say, you have to understand the seriousness of this. the lack of desire to re-live it from back then to now- to have to explain all of it- all over again (to wonder how it will be re-told..) to feel the talking going on elswhere as the others hear about it, the judgements the pity the whatever- let them come if they find out, they will- but they will never know the truth, what i went through, and there are no words for it- and relating this to some people makes it feel like i just went to visit a friend or did this really nice thing "back then". it tires me and dilutes the feelings to have to prepare the words for others. the quick flip through pictures and the "oh thats nice"- but of course i don't expect anything more from some people, even the ones who would "get it" i just can't do the whole dance again right now.. its too valuable to me. i really can't explain.. and i am sorry that i can't, but this is something i feel selfish about and i will do things in my own time, in this case i am not going to concern myself with the feelings of others and their hurt at the late date of finding out. this isn't the purchase of a car.

i will share pictures sometime because i do love my dl "mansion" here.. i wish i could hold all of the great feelings the things i have linked here give me all the time in my head... but thats never happened so i have one place to come where its all gathered and wander when i want to favorite people and sights. its only a matter of time before i put those beloved images up here, maybe there will just be a new icon somewhere that will lead to them. there is nothing at the moment.

thigns do sometimes work out, not in the way i saw it working out for me personally, but for the one i was responsible for, the one who was helpless back then that i decided for- set the course for the future- a human's FUTURE AND HAPPINESS- damn damn damn- i should get the academy nobel emmy caldecott pulitzer prize for this. i can finally say- something worked out EXACTLY the way i wanted it to- for her. now she will make it her own.

~* PREVIOUS ENTRY - NEXT ENTRY *~

. ~* BACK TO NEWEST ENTRY *~ .

~* Main 'Stories and Illustrations' INDEX *~

~*email*~

ACTS MAGDALENA

Some things that might be of interest

~** OLDER MESSAGES **~
* My ART *

on a darkling plain

MUSIC

Low

Elliptical Mind's Eye

Wasteland

Bullet


~*LINK To Me*~

follow the icons for other things



~* About me *~
~ Save the Forests clique ~


Bell House Academy, Thika Kenya- have extra books, videos, pens, pencils, crayons, supplies- anything children might need and you may throw out? how about sending it to Kenya. doesn't take much to make a huge difference in at least one corner of the world.
Grave Concerns Interview with us
Starvox "Women Who Rock"
Red Triptych Part One, "BUTTERFLY"
Brittle Bones.. amazing flash, grotesque beauty
My Pet Skeleton.. choose *1, and turn your sound on, stunning
World Of Froud, through a dark crystal to the faerie realm
Jett Black Starvox interview with us
The Art Conspiracy, my gallery, Christian Merry, check out "eye, word, sound, and physical" for everything i have there
JilL Anderson, extraordinary designer of fashion that never goes out of style, and our friend. Here in the East Village.
PM Gotham, start here for the best party info in NYC. Gil and the Glorya are amazing people and yeah, our friends.
Native American Lore, links and sources
ACTS MAGDALENA on INTERCONNECTED, free music from my band and the entire world
fatal1ty, literally the *1 gamer in the world, was on MTV too
Deviant Art
Mythology, links and sources
bloglinker.com and blogroller.com links of cool places on diaryland and beyond, my continued favorites list is here (you can also click the tamogotchi).
MORBID QUESTIONS One and Two
My friend Jan McLean's dolls of unique sweetness, light and personality- beautiful.. her daughter did make-up on the LOTR films, no she doesn't have Legola's number in grey havens
My friend Ugly Shyla's dolls of the twilight, darkness and hell, and they love it, so do i
Read foreign diaries and journals- you can translate whole webpages here, many many languages
? Fame On! # Vote for my site on Blizg! *Blogwise*
*Daypop* *listingS* *Pepys* *Fakin-it* *BUST GirlWideWeb* *Fametracker* *gURLpages* *Globe of Blogs* *Fried-Spaghetti Links* *NYCbloggers* *Greenspun Writers* *R U a Top Blog?*
Okay? BlogHop.com! the worst pretty bad okay pretty good the best
help?




* Show Me Your Zines *