i am the child of the wasteland....a land of haunted houses and monsters i call father. dark talents run in the family, but i shatter the glass to let the moonlight in, not to destroy something fragile for the feeling of breaking beneath my fists. all i can do is scream, crawl out, and keep screaming. but i can hold the sparrow, mend its wing... i am the spring rain and the hurricane... the monsters cower now, not me, not you. *xn*

Tuesday, Mar. 11, 2003 - 10:59 pm

this is my friend in france writing again (see with disgust below, she had written before. ). i deleted by accident her last email even before reading it.... probably for the better since i "hate" her and all.. she's the one i met in a convent, yes i was in a convent, no i am not a nun, no i wasn't trying to be a nun, no i hadn't been bad (altho i did make someone cry there).. but the air down there in florida smelled like oranges (from the orange groves not from the chemicals poured on urine to wash it off of an NYC subway platform) and there was a friendly frisky dog, a big beehive, a crocodile in the lake, a mysterious stone and shell encrusted grotto people made pilgrimages to that was under towering palms so thick and dark even in the heat of day it was dim and cool- yeah it wouldn't have been bad being a nun there but, no, i won't get into the whole thing and hey, why- i am too busy "hating" this lady. she makes me feel old. old and tired and nasty. she is older than me- she is a grandma, she has daughter older than me but she makes me feel old. she has seen and been through a lot (a LOT). she founded a foundation for women that got national acclaim and she even got invited to the clinton white house. and here she is.. still has hope so deep inside, she still opens her home, life, and still wants to meet more people to discover the good inside, the nice things. i sometimes avoid gatherings where someone says- "come here because all these many new people will be there and you can meet them and and" blah blah blah. damn crankly "oldster" already. i'd like to say its because she's in this beautiful place, and its beauty inspires her- but we went for a walk tonight- and NYC is beautiful. its beauty inspires me...

and yet...... hell i admire someone like her, who still has hopes. don't you just "HATE" her. yeah yeah yeah. how do you keep that kind of love alive? i don't know, i guess i'll watch and read and maybe it will sink in...

~*~*~*~*~*~<<"Yesterday I ran into S*** M*** at the street market. She looked sogood. Learning to drive has made her more confident and independent. We were so glad to see each other. She has just moved into a new house with her French husband and two tiny boys. Her goal is to have a lovely garden so she came home with me to take some lupine starts. I told her that my grandmother said it was bad luck to say "thank you" for a plant. When she left the garden she put her finger gently to her lips to remind herself not to offer appreciation. Instead she put her hands together as if she was offering a prayer of thanksgiving to me. Lovely. She speaks Chinese (I don't know what dialect), French and English. I

speak fluent English (my French consists of words, but few sentences) although when we are at a loss for a word we both revert to French and somehow we figure it out. We are soul sisters. I swear. I am not making this up. Everything I talk about and think about she shakes her head in agreement. I can speak about politics. I can speak about spiritual things. I can speak about how I eat or grow my garden. Everytime she is shaking her head yes. She is a full generation younger then me. She grew up in a totally different culture in another part of the world with a language I cannot understand. She is a Buddhist. I am loud and confident. She is quiet and shy. Yet she is identical to me in so many ways.

How did I meet her? I saw her walking her boys to school a few times. Then I attended a picnic and she was there with her family. I walked up to her and introduced myself. The rest, as they say is history. Many of the most important lessons I have learned about taking care of myself, pride in being a grandmother and living my life have come from women who came from other cultures. With their influence my life has been richer and fuller.

So today I am going to make a promise to myself that over the course of

this next month I want to reach out to at least 3 women- If I keep my promise I am going to have to summon up some courage but what I will gain in my life will be worth it. I just hope the next women I meet can teach me how to be a better cook. In peace.">>

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