on a darkling plain.

i am the child of the wasteland....a land of haunted houses and monsters i call father. dark talents run in the family, but i shatter the glass to let the moonlight in, not to destroy something fragile for the feeling of breaking beneath my fists. all i can do is scream, crawl out, and keep screaming. but i can hold the sparrow, mend its wing... i am the spring rain and the hurricane... the monsters cower now, not me, not you. *xn*

Sunday, Mar. 02, 2003 - 2:16 am

i saved a man's life tonight- or at least spared him from being fatally mangled and languishing for awhile before death came to call- and i guaranteed saved his dog's life- and it passed like a breeze. how strange.

i was standing on a corner, and a man was walking off of the street corner into the street and his little terrier was walking confidently before him, trusting of course, at the end of his leash, that papa knew what the hell he was doing, and was out in the middle of traffic... so they began to cross, against the light, and cars were coming fast.

i looked, and saw, what was happening, and since i am able to remain calm (who knows why- i am not bragging) in almost any situation i called out to him, steadily.. "hey, the cars are coming!".

the man stops, seems to wake from his reverie, pulls his dog back, and moves quickly back (suddenly alive!) as a cab speeds by and a truck rumbling close behind- both blasting their horns- and he looks at me like a reformed zombie and says "oh thanks, sometimes i do that- i just lose track of where i am". (and a freekin' smile too!)

I saved his life, at least from being injured to the point of being comatose and torn- he would have never survived being hit by the cab and then the truck too close behind- i definitely saved his little dog's life, who he yanked back in time.

then the light changed and they walked along like nothing happened.

so bizarre.

i watched him walk along the street- of course there would be no gold medals from heaven pinned to my chest- i don't know his name or anything about him- and this potentially bloody moment passes- and because the bloody moment was avoided- they walk along, back home, like nothing happened.

i feel impotent.

shouldn't some beam of light shine down upon me and sing a hymn of praise that i saved not just a man but also a sinless little dog from harm??

no its not going to happen and i walk home, nothing new, no new blessings, no new feeling of heroism- not that i seek that out, but - amazing that such a horrible thing was avoided, and i am still the same- and he walks along saying "thanks" and thats all. so sweet and light and no big deal. oh god.

i have never been through this before.

i guess we can all think we have saved people.. somehow.... but this was the first graphic event, that was inches away from happening, no joke, no doubt, no figment of my imagination, so damn horrible- and it was all avoided- so casually...

he may not feel it but the repercussions are still ringing in me.

in NYC the feeling is to mind your own business- don't talk to strangers- don't interfere- I ALMOST DIDN'T.

then i would have watched the accident of a man being dragged to his ultimate eventual death by a car and his tiny dog shattered too- so what the hell am i complaining about? would i have preferred that?

NO.

but damn.

how strange, that it did nothing to me, against my will- like it didn't have a "program set up" for this kind of thing. the moment passed- avoided- a thing of the past, not to be at this moment. and i am expected to walk home.

i started crying when i got here, home, i just felt all of this "feeling" crash forward, and i can't explain it in words... other than its freeked me out and its horrible and its even positive, but so strange.

how quiet and still the moment of life and death pass. the man and his dog to enjoy many more tranquil days at the park and the dog-run.

i just don't understand, i just don't get it- but i also don't want to freek so much that i wouldn't warn someone again (and again) and then break down and cry at home. as much as i don't like crying- i don't want, even someone i don't know- dying- because i was too late in warning them....

there will never be a gold medal thing from heaven

but people and their dogs in the park make me happy- sweet little dogs. happy stupid owners. hell if i have to be the one f*cking sane person here, i will warn them but hell, its hard to cry about something that has nowhere to go.

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